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By BreAnna Plummer
What is Grief?
The dictionary can tell you what grief is, however it is best described as a human experience. While there is an official definition for grief, there is no blueprint to healing grief. From my personal and professional experience, I have come to know that grief is an individual process, a personal journey of healing and acceptance, per se.
Losing a pet, child, parent, friend, job or anything of meaning, expectedly or unexpectedly, can have an impact on us. The stages of grief are not experienced in a linear fashion. The stages of grief include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. No matter what type of loss you experience, it takes time to accept the change in your life and restructure how to live moving forward.
During this journey you can expect to experience emotional, mental and spiritual changes. If you avoid your grief, or do not know how to process it in a healthy way, you can begin to experience health concerns like memory loss, anxiety, and high blood pressure. You can also begin to have relationship problems, this includes your relationship with yourself. Let's explore how to recognize what makes you feel grief and how to use your mind and body to manage your reactions to grief.
What is a grief trigger?
Like a flashback, we do not choose when we grieve. We can be triggered by things that cause us to feel grief. A grief trigger can be experienced at any stage of the grief process even after acceptance. Your reaction to grief can be experienced as a thought, emotion, or physical reaction.
A trigger can hit when you’re having a really good day or after a series of bad days. It can come when you remember “that one time when”. It can hit you while you’re driving, jamming to your favorite’s song.
For perspective think of a trigger as any person, place or thing that causes you to feel grief. Someone who lost a grandparent may now feel sad when they see someone in public with their grandparent. Their grief trigger is seeing someone with their grandparent.
Recognizing & Managing your triggers.
To know when you are triggered, seriously ask yourself “When have I unexpectedly felt grief?” Is it when you see a particular place you visited with your loved one and created a fond memory? Do you feel sad, angry, or regretful just by the thought of your loss?
While your thoughts can trigger feelings of grief, your physical environment can also be triggering. If you have noticed that your physical environment is triggering, you can take small measures to increase your ability to cope. You can do this by throwing away or donating items you inherited that have no sentimental value.
Maybe you get upset when you ride past a job you lost. Find a realistic alternate route. Maybe you live in the home you shared with your lost loved one and this triggers you. If your home or neighborhood triggers you, take vacation or stay with a loved for a short time.
People who have experienced loss are usually triggered by holidays, birthdays and special anniversaries. If this is a trigger for you, think of how you can create new memories and traditions during these times to lessen your reactions to grief.
Impact of Triggers
Racing, negative thoughts
Wanting to be alone
Feeling overwhelmed in the moment
Suicidal/ Homicidal ideations
Anger and recalling upsetting situations
Hurting those we love
Avoiding triggering situations or conversations
To recognize your reaction to your trigger, think back to the person, place or thing that triggered you before. What was your mental, physical or emotional reaction? Was it crying, heavy breathing, a rush of anger? Recognizing your triggers and using healthy coping strategies heals you and those connected to you.
Common Grief Trigger Reactions
Thinking of your loved one
Crying
Change in breathing
Body weakness
Intense emotions
Inability to focus
Unexplained body pain
Unclear thinking
Simple things like your little one recognizing your loved one in a picture can begin to spark joy if you work on healing the pain related to your triggers.
Healing your triggers
Allow yourself mental and physical space to heal. No matter the type of loss you are grieving, using your mind and body to heal has long term benefits. When you are triggered, you can use what I like to call a “Time Takeback Tool” to help you get back to center and train you brain to have less intense mental reactions to your grief triggers.
Deep Breathe Exercise: Breathe in for 5 seconds, hold for 5 seconds, and release the breath for 5 seconds. Do this for as long as needed, until you feel relaxed. Sometimes deep breathing techniques can cause a headache. Do not continue if you get a headache.
Touch: Place your hand on your stomach and, or chest. Touch brings your mind back to focus. This can be done singularly or in conjunction with the 5,5,5, breathing method.
Meditation: This is a form of yoga that helps heal the spiritual distress of grief. Including but not limited to feelings of sorrow, regret or loss of purpose. You can use guided or self-directed meditation.
These techniques should be used in conjunction with self-care practices such as having healthy boundaries, doing things that are fulfilling, practicing financial wellness, and making personal or life changes to help you heal. No matter the steps along the journey, know that it is your own and it is what you make it.
In addition to the mind healing tools mentioned above, it is important to keep your body active, even after you have healed from grief. Exercise does not have to be extreme or complicated. A small commitment of 15 minutes a day can improve your mood and limit your reactions to grief triggers. Exercise also improves brain function, and who doesn’t want their ideas to flow more easily?
Benefits of Healing Triggers
The benefits of healing your grief triggers are immeasurable. The tools I mentioned will help you heal your triggers but also have a more enjoyable life. Consistently used, the tools I shared can cause you to have better and more positive thoughts.
That means more enjoyable alone time, decreased racing thoughts and improved mood, mental clarity and more. I believe the greatest benefit you will experience is being able to be mentally present with the ones you love. The people who are here with you physically.
If healing from grief has been a struggle for you, take a moment of self reflection. First, consider how much time has passed since your loss. If it has been more than a year, and your grief is causing significant impacts on your ability to function, it is time to seek professional help.
Second, reflect if other emotions overpower your grief like anger, guilt or shame. Consider therapy to unpack these emotions and work toward having a sense of peace. If you have been battling with the idea of therapy, the best advice I can give is to walk into it with self-love and grace.
Lastly, think about what you have been doing to cope. Are these healthy coping practices? If you have not been using healthy coping strategies, it's okay. Take a baby step to shake the unhealthy coping skill by using one of the “Time Takeback Tools” listed above. Start by using one of the tools, once a day.
Now I know healing is work, and work is not fun at times. But listen, I know you have all you need within you to heal simply because you read this article and learned new ways to heal your grief.
Triggers help us heal. Welcome them. Recognize them. Heal them.
I affirm your healing will be transformational.
Ashe.
If you would like more support in healing your grief and diving deeper into how to use the Time Takeback Tools, click here to join my exclusive grief support group on Facebook.
About the Author
BreAnna Plummer is a trauma informed social worker. She has worked with survivors of sexual assault, domestic violence and families of suicide and homicide. She helps clients Live Above Mediocre Expectations by teaching holistic health tools to heal the body and mind.
Instagram: @ceobp94