_edited.png)
Internalizing suffering.
Someone recently asked me, "As happy and playful as you portray yourself to be. Are you really happy or is it just a face you put on?", and truth is
On difficult days I cry myself to sleep unable to grasp the truth of the hurt I feel. Other days I reprimund myself not to cry and not to feel. I wake up in the morning's, wash my face and start my day as if what I was feeling was not weighing down on me. I put on my best smile and just hope know one asks me how I am and when they do ask, I put on the most convincing bright smile and say "I'm fine". I hide behind my appearance because I've always been the strong girl. The resilient one, always been praised for how strong I am, so how then do I come out and say, I'm not fine? That I'm hurting and that things aren't going well. Viola Davis in a conversation with Oprah on that Netflix documentary said, "The smile on your face doesn't match the pain in your eyes.", and those words have never been more true, more revellent for me. Walking around hoping someone will notice and give you a hugg as you burst into tears and them just listening, but you grow up at some point and realize that no ones going to know your going through shellow water unless you speak up.
Constantly being in a state of survival, choosing not to feel and hiding. Hiding behind screens, filters, people or an identity I have created to keep others out, because sadly we walk around living life trying to please others.
We grow up surrounded by people and environments that taught us not to recognize our struggle but to internalize it. Not finding the balance to process and constantly pouring from an empty cup. We have internalized suffering so much to the point we don't even recognize it anymore, because there are so many hurting souls behind happy faces.
When we fail to acknowledge the thoughts that run through our minds, fail to acknowledge the words that hurt us or how we feel, then we give permission for mental illnesses like depression to take root. Every time we suppress ourselves of our emotions we deprive ourselves of being human. As a believer I often struggled to just be still and feel because I had learned that if I acknowledge the struggle then I'm weak and if I'm weak then maybe I don't believe in God as I should.
Surviving instead of acknowledgment.
In my opinion i do beleive that we have normalised suffering in silence. We repetitively fail to acknowledge the hurt, the disappointment, the fear, the pain or whatever it may be. And when we don't acknowledge the suffering then God can't heal you from it because you keep pretending that the emotions are not there. A perfect example would be Jesus. When Jesus was in the garden of gethsemane (mattew 26 vs 36-39) He took three of His disciples with Him when He felt great sorrow in His heart that felt like it was crushing Him and immediatly He went a bit further and fell to the ground and prayed(paraphrased). Jesus acknowledged what He felt and then talked about it to the Father. Are you taking it to God ? There was a time when i had a disagreement with a friend and i felt so hurt in the moment I just got up and left and because we stayed so close to each other didnt take long before arriving home. Immediately I closed the door, fell to my knees and just wept. I called out to God and handed Him my hurt instead of saying words I could have regreted or carrying bitterness or anger in me. Sometimes we can't bare it all that's why community is just as important, that even on our dark days, you have people praying for you, helping you and encouraging you along the way! Even Jesus took three people from His disciples to pray with Him. Telling yourself, your okay even when you are not is you trying to take control.
Hurting in silence shouldn't be a norm.
We as a people moving forward need to learn to normalize suffering, instead of looking at other people's highlight reels. The thing is we so often compare our behind the scenes to someone elses highlight reel and think that they have it better and making us think or believe we can't share or show our pain.Why do we equate the good things as blessings in our lives? Stephanie Ike puts it best, she says, "A blessing is having stewardship over something", meaning an experience is a blessing; loosing a job is a blessing even failure can be a blessing. We have made life all about attaining things that are fleeting. The job, the car, the house, the spouse, the kids and the moment any of these things are taken away or threatend then what? God is not good anymore? Suffering or going through turmoil is just as important because it reminds us to readjust our focus to what is really important. If anything I want you to take note of this: Find a safe space. Find people or a person who you feel safe enough to trust with your truth. Take permission people give you and give yourself permission. Permissions to feel, to cry to let it out. If you need time away to process do so. Process! Find a healthy outlet that works best for you. And like Chris Tomlin said, "when your heart needs a surgeon and when your soul needs a friend, run to the Father again and again and again." We all struggle or go through some kind of hurt but it is also up to us to not pass the idea that it is okay to suffer in silence to the next generation. I am guilty of suffering in silence and hiding behind a happy face, jokes and laughter but it has lead me to resent myself on some days. Athough it is a journey, I choose to feel and pay attention to my thoughts and acknowledge that I am human." ~ Suzeth Ngutonua.
About the Author
Suzeth Ngutonua is a young woman who is passionate about sharing her journey through life and helping other women grow and evolve through community. She's an inspiring writer and has a blog up where she intends to send a message to anyone whose ever felt behind in life, that you can always start again. For more follow her instagram community @growing.incommunity on instagram.